Yes, I’m a wannabe. I don’t want to settle for just getting by in life. I don’t want to live according to what other people think I should do or be. I bring this up because I’ve got an awesome new friend who appears to be on a mission of helping me to “find my wings.” When I think about what he must be thinking, I can only think that he perceives me as not really knowing who I am, or how I want to live my life. Well, heck. That’s mostly not true. I actually really like who I am. I feel pretty grateful for the live I’ve lived, who I’ve become, and I feel very loved by those around me that know me. Even still, there is a part of me that is still living for everyone in my life, except for me. I mean, I place a really high importance on keeping people impressed with who I am and what I’m doing. Heck, life is better when people are impressed with me.
But what I’m currently experimenting with is revealing portions of myself to the people I’m closest with, and allowing them to see my fears and insecurities, as well as my great hopes and dreams for the future. This is slightly frightening to some people who care about me. Because as I express some of my wild thoughts and my desire for adventure, I’m hearing a lot of things like, “Just be careful,” or “Are you sure about that?” It’s cool to have people care about me, perhaps even more than I care about myself at times. And honestly, I want people to help me to see when I might be making decisions that are completely crazy.
But I do want to find my wings.
I want to journey beyond what I’ve been told I can do. I want to live dreaming bigger than what others deem reasonable. I want to do things that other people might think are wrong, and find out for myself whether they are wrong for me. I want to live diving deeply into what I’m wondering will make my heart sing. And I’m pretty convinced it looks a lot different than sitting in my recliner and watching the week’s TiVo’d programs. I’m also convinced it looks a lot different than living according to other people’s expectations of me. That means I might disappoint people who I care about. Heck, I might even get hurt. But there’s something about entering into the battle for my heart that feels really good. It even feels a little scary…a little confusing…a bit unsettled. But I’m going to keep fighting, hoping to get to a place of peace and contentment on the other side. A nirvana of sorts that has been constructed not by other people, but by me.